I stepped outside I was surprised to see that it wasn't raining for once. Like any sane person would do in the same situation, I went to the internet with my predicament.

After filtering through 11 pages of pornography, I came across a website that was populated with conspiracy theorists.

Apparantly, there is this "season" that happens for one week every year, in which it stops raining and the sun comes out (I haven't actually seen the sun yet but I like to think it has a happy face). Experts call it "Suh-mer".
~~~
Further items of business:
Daran Norris has an extremely sexy voice.
Challenger 2: This time it's personal.
I just saw the usual suspects for the first time-I FREAKING KNEW IT!
My Birthday is a coming at the end of this month. DON'T FORGET LIKE EVERY YEAR OR I'LL CRY AND YOU WON'T GET ANY CAKE.
An associate of mine managed to turn Mario Cart into a drinking game...
General Veers' first name is Maximillian.
This man's eyes will absorb your soul.
~~~
Cockney rhyming slang of the month:
Ruby Murray-Curry
~~~
Also, Damian Lewis.

Today at 21:00 GMT I will attack the homeless man living in my basement with a hosepipe and other forms of water. That bastard will pay.

Watch here- http://news.bbc.co.uk/

Pic says "Simple-but-sandy's hosepipe" but my webcam fails (IE, I don't have one).
~~~
Further items of business:
Leave this blogpost, authorities are being contacted (To stop you guys being unfunny. That's my job).
You think the Youtube community is bad? You obviously haven't seen the gametrailers community.
The one downside to being white is the fact that I get sunburnt all the time.
Deus Ex won't save games because it thinks I have negative free space left. HALP MEH GUYZ.
My favourite weather phenomenon would have to be rain.
I tidied up my room. For the first time in several years.
When it came to cleaning my windowsill I almost vomited because it was so dirty and disgusting there.
I went to Exeter. There are cases of swine flu in Exeter. I subsequently have swine flu.
I still have yet to sign up for rev-share.
PHEAR THE FOOTURE
.biz is an underloved URL ending.
SHHHHH... I'm lying low...
Is it safe to come out yet?
I finally have one of those facebewk thangs...
I'm lying low again...
USER MILITIA FORCE. MOBILISE!
Wake me up in a couple of months...
~~~
Cockney rhyming slang of the month:
Bottle stopper-Copper.
~~~
Also, William Burke (and William Hare).

So I had my general studies exams today. For thsoe of you who aren't in the know, they are compulsory exams that are totally pointless, and so easy to get a high grade that the only revision you need to do is to turn up fairly sober.

They encompass such entertaining topics as arts and technology, which start with a multiple choice bit and then a fat essay question where you get to choose from one of six equally boring options.

So, when it came to the essay questions that me cramp because I don't do wordy subjects anymore, I let my inner "comedian" flourish with these "hilarious" quotes I used.

I can't remember the exact wording, but this is close enough to what I wrote.

"If you've read one book about armoured Space Marines stabbing giant tarantulas in the face on the planet Zog you've read them all."
"Our quest in life is to find the greatest book ever written, but since The invisible man by H.G. Wells already claims that title our quest becomes to find the second greatest book"
"Why stop there? We should go back and live in caves and stare at walls for amusement, and die young after we get killed by an angry woolly mammoth."
"Language enabled us to discuss with others better tactics to kill that mammoth." (I went on about mammoths an awful lot considering the question was about fiction.)
I referred to the Bible as a "ripping yarn (excellent tale)".
"We should teach [hostage negotiators] gun-kata skills to put Keanu Reeves to shame."
"But I reckon the combined intelligence forces of New Duluth would be able to make a perfect forgery of an ID card."
"The same wise man also said 'sit down and shut up'."
"I doubt your average criminal knows what an Aegis Shield is, much less how to deactivate one."
"They're the sort of people who prance around mis-using the word "Fascist."
"How is a photo of me going to stop me running up to a group of people and eviscerating them a chainsaw?"
"Anti-China protestors tend to be liberal. Liberal=left. Left=Communist. Communist=Chinese government. OH THE IRONY."
I made reference to Uruk-Hai, but I can't remember why.

Others will come if I ever bother to remember them.
~~~
Further items of business.
Anyone who dislikes this game is a nonce.
I felt the need to watch the Sony press conference. I gave up half way through because my legs were hurting.
Some pigeons tried to kill my fish.
I saw some chickens on the way to school today, which I thought odd.
Radar Love is the best love song ever, and don't you tampons forget it.
I've been pratting around on Omegle as of late, pretending to be a chick. When the guys ask for a link to a picture, I redirect them to lemonparty/ a rickroll/other shock sites/pretend to be Chris Hansen. Then they say "WTF" and I say "TROLLED", then I paint a red picture of a computer on my tower. I'm currently up to 8 victims. Being a jerk is fun.
~~~
Cockney rhyming slang of the month (yes, I know it's been alot more than a month, shutup before I come round your house and rough you up a bit):
'ampsted Heath-Teeth.
~~~
Also, Robbie Coltrane.

Youtube, What a bunch of teases.
If they don't want me to see the video that badly, then why do they display it on the search page eh?
If you want me to commit piracy that bad, you could just say so as opposed to dancing around the issue like this.

Fuck that, I'll be on Limewire if anyone needs me.
~~~
Further items of business:
17 comments? HOT DIGGIDY DAFFODIL!
The inbetweeners isn't as bad as I first worried. In fact it is quite good.
Skins still sucks major cock though.
We finally got around to finishing a game of Axis and Allies. It took six hours and in the end we surrendered because there was no hope of us winning. AMERICA HAD SURROUNDED JAPAN WITH SIX BATTLESHIPS FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.!
On a related note, Battleship spam=best tactic ever.
I've been playing Swat 3. A LOT. So much so that I'm muttering "Red team to element lead: Officer down!" in my sleep.
~~~
Cockney rhyming slang of the month:
Battlecruiser-Boozer (Pub for all you American's with your limited vocabulary regarding drinking institutions).
~~~
Also, Basil Fawlty.

Whilst I was doing some pondering today, I came to the shocking realisation that I have never Rick Roll'd anyone.

So when I hear people sharing their "epic" stories of how they "totally" rick roll'd some "n00b", it makes me clinically depressed as I have no stories of my own to share.

So I ask you, as a freind, to click the following link and then act all shocked/surprised/angry/whatever you usually felt at the resulting "hilarity".

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHg5SJY RHA0
~~~
Further items of business.
I got the plague today, and have been lying in bed most of the afternoon occassionally emitting a noise like "uhhhhhhhh" to assure my family that I'm not dead.
I got an offer from Southampton, which makes five out of five.
My cat has been scratching the furniture today, so I just lemon juiced them up good.
My nose is much colder than the rest of my face.
The crystal maze is the best game show ever, and don't you cunts forget it.
I won a game of seafarers of Catan on saturday.
I saw Valkyrie, it isn't as bad as everyone says.
I'm intending to see Gran Torino sometime-which I did, and it was FOCKING OARSOME.
Me and a chum (who have never played Halo before) absolutely owned another freind at it.
I found my brothers old copy of the Robot wars boardgame. Too bad I've lost the manual and from what I remember it's bloddy complex.
~~~
Cockney rhyming slang of the month:
North and south-mouth.

(It turns out that it isn't reversible, which makes me sad.
~~~
Also, in light of recent events, Matthew Yeo.
(It was the best picture I could find at short notice, screw you guys.)

Nothing important to discuss here...
~~~
Further items of business:
14 comments? MAN YOU GUYS ROCK!
Dead metal was the best house robot, and don't you fuckers forget it.
The fluid in my magic-8-ball is coagulating from lack of use, so I can't really read any of the predictions now. In short, I'm screwed.
I still haven't bought that 360 like I was threatening to. Maybe tomorrow.
Southampton on thursday.
I failed my S2 exam miserably. Everything else went fine I do believe.
If there is another bank bail out, I'm going to withdraw all my savings and spend them on a high-powered rifle, or explosives. Something which will be handy when the revolution comes at any rate.
Bitches keep dice-hacking me when I'm playing risk.
I started depositing again, and now I have an axe. I miss my pipe-wrench.
~~~
I'm really starting to miss BBR now, Poozy=pure suck compared to him.
So Ron, if you're anywhere out there:
WHATEVER I SAID, WHATEVER I DID I DIDN'T MEAN IT, I JUST WANT YOU BACK FOR GOOD.
Etc.
~~~
I'm participating in a sad evening tonight, we're playing AOEII for several hours non-stop.
~~~
Cockney rhyming slang of the month:
Lady Godiva-Fiver
~~~
Also, Reg Hollis.

But before I can participate in such lewd activities, I'll need a new PC. And maybe a 360...

So, if you lot (The unwashed perverts of NG) make my "Shit Iain needs to buy" fund be worth at least £1000, I may post PRON.

MAY BEING THE OPERATIVE WORD.
(Make cheques payable to "Cash" plox).
~~~
Further items of Business:
Firstly, I'm going to start by saying "Only two comments? CHRIST YOU GUYS SUCK!"
Secondly, among other things, I got a magic8-ball for Christmas. Ask it your questions and I'll answer them for a very reasonable fee of £0.
Also, I've got offers from York, Bath, Cardiff, and Durham. Southampton are being bitches and not giving me an offer until I go there in Feburary.
I GET KNOCKED DOWN, BUT I GET UP AGAIN. YOU'RE NEVER GONNA KEEP ME DOWN.
I GET KNOCKED DOWN, BUT I GET UP AGAIN. YOU'RE NEVER GONNA KEEP ME DOWN.
I GET KNOCKED DOWN, BUT I GET UP AGAIN. YOU'RE NEVER GONNA KEEP ME DOWN.
I GET KNOCKED DOWN, BUT I GET UP AGAIN. YOU'RE NEVER GONNA KEEP ME DOWN.
~~~
Cockney rhyming slang of the month:
Cream crackered-Knackered
~~~
Also, Rik Mayall

I was going to get a hair cut, but the place was too crowded for my own liking. At 3PM on a tuesday.
I almost got run over three times this week. People really should learn to indicate.
I was told I was too right-wing again.
After much toil, I finally managed to beat level 2 on Ikaruga.
I had a coughing fit, and coughed up some blood. I told someone at school that I had TB, and they freaked out for the rest of the day.
I ran out of bubblegum, and subsequently had to kick ass. The police didn't find it as hilarious as I did.
I have made a suicide-pact with a freind, yet instead of killing ourselves we have to buy 360's. I still haven't gotten around to it.
I walked to school wearing my labcoat, and I got a total of six odd looks.
When I went out for bonfire night, it was pissing it down, it was awesome.
On said night, I yelled "Death to all heretics!", and no-one knew what I was talking about.
I had the WORST ITCH EVAR last night. Which kept me awake for a couple of hours.

Guess which of the above facts are incorrect, and win a prize!
~~~
Further items of business.

If ten DIFFERENT people mail me £20 and a book of unused stamps each, I will be £200 and 240 stamps better off.
~~~
Anyhoo, this months inspirational song is "I am the one and OOOOONNNNNNNLLLLLYYYYYY" by Chesney Hawkes.

I associate it with memories of counter strike.

(Also, the video sucks but the tune is OARSUM)

This month, I'm going to require some audience participation.
Now, raise your hand if you owned a N64.
Now, keep your hand in the air if you played Aidyn chronicles: The first mage.
Now, keep your hand in the air if you enjoyed it.

All those with your hands in the air, you will always have a place in my heart, feel free to go about your regularly scheduled doldrums and marry my daughter.

Those still seated, don't even think about going anywhere, because I'm afraid I'll have to kill you if you move during the next five minutes.

Aidyn Chronicles is an underappreciated gem in a sea of mediocrity. If I had to sum up why it was so underappreciated in a few carefully chosen words, those words would be: Final fantasy seven.

Allow me to elaborate, when final fantasy seven came along in a blast of blandness, every playstation owner and their mother thought it was the shit. With its dull battles and dull story, it was easy for anyone with an IQ greater than 3 to get involved with. A couple of years later, and along came Aidyn chronicles, a RPG by the relatively unknown H2O studios, on the playstations main rival of a console.

It was completely different in almost every single way. Gone was the orderly battles were everyone got into a line, and in were the semi-orderly battles where you could move around a three dimensional map (still turn-based), where things like damage bonuses from rear and high attacks required a lot of brain power to process your party's tactics successfully.

Then there were the jobs, instead of your average warrior/wizard/healer organisation, you could get things like: lore masters (for people who actually care about the bloody story of a game), merchants (to get stuff cheaper), troubadours (to play music to inspire your team/ demoralise your enemy), diplomats (so people were more likely to tell you useful stuff, and enemies were less likely to jump you for insulting them), alchemists (to make potions), wizards (who didn't have "mana"/whatever you kids are calling it these days, they actually had to have components that vanished forever when used in magic), warriors (who would take a severe beating from anyone who had even the tiniest magic skill), healers (who also used up supplies of herbs quickly), skilled archers, and skilled throwers. Whilst you initially did have to rely heavily on your warrior folk, if you continued playing for long enough before your pathetic brain said "Me no likey" to you, then you could slowly assemble a motley crew of four people, each skilled in their own area of expertise.

Also, something that made it doubly fun as well as doubly hard, is when your characters died, they remained dead. None of this dandyish "Oh, I've fainted but am otherwise fine" bullshit that you get in final fantasy. If one of your characters died in combat, you were fucked. You either had to reload a previous save, or power through the game until you found another character that was willing to join your quest. They were very few and far between, and if you did want them to replace one of your characters, you usually only had two choices of person to remove. Since you couldn't leave the party yourself, nor would Brenna (your childhood friend who surprisingly you DON'T fall in love with), meaning you had to get rid of one of the other two. Nor was it easy to get them back. They didn't hide off screen until you felt you needed their skills again, they quite literally buggered off to the other side of the universe, and if you wanted to get them back, you had to walk over there, and spend ages persuading them that they really did miss a life of adventure.

It was these reasons that it was hated: The combat was too different to final fantasy, the jobs were a whole lot more advanced and the game was harder and longer (100+ hours of pain, I still haven't completed it because my memory card recreationally dies on me).

The story:
You are Alaron (Or Jiggywiggy/!ain as I would usually call him). You go into the forest looking for a farmer, he dies, and you get ambushed by goblins. They abuse you, and poison you. None of the healers back at the castle can heal you, so they tell you to go to Erromon (home of the Mirari, a dwarf like race), they have a hobgoblin problem. You sort it out for them. Turns out they can't heal you either. They send you onwards to another city. You learn that you don't have a true name (something to do with magic) and are being pursued by a phantom that speaks backwards and vaguely resembles you. This continues. The story is a whole lot more than this though, if you have a good lore master in your party, you can visit libraries and stuff, where they will read books, and gather wonderful information about the back-story (particularly the battle of lonely mountain).

Also the graphics were kind of dull, everyone had polygons for a head, and the textures weren't too eye-pleasing. The sound wasn't good, as there wasn't much of it. There was the odd ambient track in town, and a scary battle drum playing during combat. Everyone seemed to make the same grunt noise when they were hurt.

The enemies had interesting models, but dull names (the usual troll/goblin/hobgoblin, and the race of Chaos, where the word Chaos could be slapped in front of any noun to make an enemy).

Lots of interesting weapons and armour though, my particular favourite being the war fang (Sword with two bent spiky blades).

It is surprisingly addictive, which is why I put it in my list of top games (in no particular order: Goldeneye, KOTOR, This, Expendable).

Now, if you are still sitting there, I command you to play this most excellent game.
~~~
Also, Bee Gees.

Here's a starter for 10. Who do the eyes belong to?
~~~
The Great Escape, like MGS but with less mindfuckery and Solid snake, and more Nazis and Steve McQueen (who is apparently a registered trademark according to the opening screen even though he has been dead for quite a while)

This game is based loosely on the film of the same name. You control 4 different characters MacDonald, Sedgewick, Hilts and Hendley (who is being followed around by Blithe, the loveable blind fellow) throughout various shenanigans as they try to escape from POW camps.

Although the game starts with all the prisoners arriving at the super escape-proof camp, you travel back in time and get to control the characters as they escape from their previous incarcerations (which just makes it depressing because you know that even when you complete a level and escape you will have to be eventually recaptured).

About halfway through the game the Great Escape takes place and then the fun really begins. You have to control each of your characters as they attempt to escape through Germany with only their wits and disguises to guide them culminating in the famous bike chase from the film. Although the film version was a bit more graceful than mine as after the first jump the back wheel got stuck on barbed wire and required a lot of revving to get off, which was even harder than normal as the game had adopted a cinematic camera angle.

One of the stealth aspects of the game is the ability to sneak up behind guards and strangle them. Although you can complete the game without doing this it is easier strangle every possible guard you see as there's nothing more satisfying than grabbing someone from behind and holding him as he starts thrusting wildly back and forth and his lifeforce gradually drains out of him (that's enough homoerotic innuendo for now). This leads to most of the cupboards in the game being filled with corpses, but by the time that terminally retarded Jerry goes to stock up on paperclips and stumbles across a graveyard, you wil already be halfway across France.

Occasionly the game gets bored of the whole stealth gameplay and you will be forced to begin a level with nothing but a fully stocked SMG, some med kits and a good old-fashioned desire to kick some Nazi Ass. These levels often have objectives consisting mainly of get from A to B whilst doing your part for the war effort by killing as many Germans as possible. The gunplay can be a bit irritating most (well all) of the time, but then again you are a pilot. What do you know about a gun that isn't suspended 20,000 feet in the air? Occasionally you stumble across a physics deficient vehicle, which is a convienient way to save your ammunition, all whilst making bumper shaped dents in walls.

The one criticism I would have of the game is that the German troops are blessed with the sheer stupidity which seems to plague all NPCs in WW2 games. For instance in one level I changed out of my guard disguise only to realise too late that I was still holding a forged identity card. Naturally this brough every Goon from Paris to Berlin down on me. However, I quickly ducked inside a hut and changed back into my guard uniform and calmly stepped outside where none of the gaurds realised that the guard who had just walked out the hut looked exactly the same as the POW they were just chasing. However, this stupidity does not detract much from the overall level of gameplay; and who knows the German troops really could have been that stupid which would help explain why we won the war.

~~~

Fun fact: The Royal Marines use 2nd class stamps!